Feeling a bit gloomy today, a bit cheesed off, under the weather. When I feel like this I try to work out the cause by picturing myself in the centre of a circle, with possible causes ranged around the outside. Then, one by one, I mentally remove them and see if I feel any better without them. Work? No that's ok, put it back. Family? Nope, all fine there. Housework? Well, the washing up needs doing, but it's not actually bothering me. Sometimes I can't find a cause, but often it turns out to be because the weather is grey and gloomy - and there's nothing I can do about that!
Strange to think that weather can affect us so. It definitely affects the children I teach - windy weather makes them wild, rainy weather means indoor play so no let out for those who need to run around, and snow makes them so excited it's pointless to even attempt anything requiring thought!
But I'm not a child, I'm an adult. A rational, logical, intelligent, sensible (well most of the time!) adult. How can I let such a thing as the weather get to me? It's utterly ridiculous!
You will have guessed by now that I have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder), and no amount of telling myself not to be so silly will change the way the chemicals in my body work. In Autumn and Winter I take medication to help, and in Spring I start reducing the dosage till, hopefully, by Summer I don't need it. This reduction is probably why I'm feeling it today, especially after weeks of unseasonable sunshine.
On a day like today I try to cope by acknowledging there is a problem, making allowances for it (don't even try to do anything that involves making decisions or being in crowded places!), but also to not indulge it by wallowing in it and making myself feel worse - it's a fine balancing act sometimes! I remind myself that 'this too will pass', and I'll probably be myself again tomorrow.
Here's a poem I wrote in 1999 before being diagnosed:
On a windy, rainy night
Lord,
forgive me the times
I let fear get the better of me -
when a grey day makes me feel gloomy,
when the wind’s roaring scares me,
when the darkness outside as night approaches
seeps into my mind also.
Help me not to let
these natural things affect my moods,
remembering that You created them,
You caused them to be,
You set the rules for them.
Let me instead
rejoice in the variety of weather
You have made,
the turning of the seasons,
the circle of day and night,
seeing them in their wholeness and balance
with daytime, sunshine, and calmness.
Help me to learn from them, Lord,
the lessons You can teach;
that darkness and bad weather
don’t last forever -
the sun will come again
and that we need sun and rain
to grow strong and tall.
And,
if I cannot do either of these Lord,
hold my hand
and sit with me
until the moods pass
and I am myself again.
Amen.
