Very personal Psalm 139

At my retreat at the Community of All Hallows last month, Sister Sheila encouraged me to read through Psalm 139 (verses 1-18) again. I sat in the sunshine, slowly reading, and as I did so it seemed God asked me to turn the words around so that He was speaking instead of the Psalmist......

Juanita,
I have examined you
and I love you. 
I love you at rest and in action;
I love all your thoughts.
I walk with you in your journeying
and stay with you in your resting;
I have walked all the paths you take.
I have heard all the words you speak.
I guard you closely behind and before,
and my arms are always around you.

Where could you go to escape from my Spirit?
Where could you go, that I am not?
I am in your highest praises, your greatest joys,
and I am in your darkest places, your deepest fears.
I am in your Light Days,
and I am in your Dark Days;
my Presence fills even your Grey Days.

I it was
that called you into being.
I imagined you
and breathed you into life.
I rejoice that I made you!

And all is for Love - I love you!
Shout it from the hilltops - I LOVE YOU!
Whisper it to the trees - I love you!
Sing it
dance it
write it
roll in it
spin in it
revel in it - 
I love you!
I love you!
I LOVE YOU!

And I always will.

http://thetruthshineswithin.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Jump-for-joy-2-cartoon-image.jpg

Now, dear reader, go back and read it again, but put your name at the beginning!  

To Elizabeth

Some thoughts on the eve of the feast of the birth of John the Baptist....

Were you anxious, Mother Elizabeth?
Barren all those years, yet now - miracle of miracles - pregnant!
At your age!
All those years of scorn and pity from the other women,
all those years of self-torment and self-blame:
"The scriptures say the good man will be blessed with many children,
so what have I done wrong?
Or is it my husband, Zechariah, who has sinned? 
Is God punishing us by withholding life?"
But, no, Elizabeth,
God has a very special job for you and your husband!
You are to give birth to the Messenger,
the Herald,
the Way-Preparer.
Your tiny son, kicking in your womb,
will bring the dawn of the new age,
a new covenant, between God and the world - 
yes, the world! - 
not just your own people, the people special to God,
but all peoples because, 
at last,
Israel is ready to learn that all peoples are God's.

So here you are, on the eve of the birth,
pacing around,
panting with pain,
coping with the pangs of the coming birth.
Are you afraid that your old body will not cope,
when even young women labour so?
Do you fear you may die in the process?
Yet, like all mothers-to-be, 
you probably feel it will be worth it,
that your own death doesn't matter,
as long as your child is born safe and well.

I wonder what Zechariah is feeling?
Mute, he cannot easily share his concern for you.
Tensely sitting with the other men,
left out of Women's Mysteries,
waiting for God's miracle to be born.

And what of your cousin, Mary?
She, too, carries a Miraculous Child -
one more amazing than anyone can imagine!
When she visited you in your sixth month
you felt the Quickening of life recognizing Life.
How you both rejoiced!
Has anyone thought to tell her and Joseph
that your child is on his way?
How glad she will be!
And how many questions she will have to ask
of what it is like to give birth!

Ah, Mother Elizabeth, bear with the pain,
for it will all be worth it 
when you hold your special child in your arms!
Rejoice, Mother Elizabeth,
rejoice!
For the herald of your Saviour
is soon to be born!

Image by Google search  http://www.bible-people.info/mother_and_son2.jpg

Let Your God Love You!

I have recently returned from an individual guided retreat at All Hallows Convent, Ditchingham. I have visited All Hallows a couple of times before, staying for a few days each time, joining the Sisters for worship and a midday meal. It is a place of peace and of welcome, and I felt at home there from the very first visit; indeed I wrote in my journal that I could hear God singing from the roof there, like a Chaffinch or a Robin!

We were greeted with tea and cakes, and with a beautiful little vase of wild flowers in our rooms. After tea, we maintained silence (except for worship, and for chats with our guides) until breakfast on the last day. It was tricky remembering to show the day to day civilities by gesture instead of in words, but  there was a real feel of Companions On The Journey Together with us retreatants. And, my goodness, did we make up for it with chat at that last breakfast!  ;-)

Each day we met our guides, talking together, sharing together and going away with Bible readings or other quotes to think upon. We then prayed, meditated or thought in silence; in our rooms, in the communal living room, with the baby bunnies and red-legged partridges in the gardens, or as we walked the beautiful country lanes around there. We read, we stitched, we knitted, we slept, and we just allowed God to reach us as He wanted to.

Sister Sheila was my retreat guide. At the first meeting, she gave me a poem/prayer that really hit deeply, so I thought I would share it here. I don't know who wrote it, but will gladly acknowledge the author if I ever find out! Here it is:

Be silent. Be still.

Alone: empty before your God.

Say nothing.

Ask nothing.

Be silent.

Be still.

Let your God look upon you.

That is all.

He knows.

He understands.

He loves you

with an enormous love!

He only wants

to look upon you

with his love.

Quiet.

Still be.

Let your God

love you!

Image from Google Images search http://www.care2.com/greenliving/its-official-meditation-cures-stress.html

Set my people free!

Prayer for Prisoners

Oh God,
Who sent your Son
To set the captives free,
Have pity on those who are trapped
In their minds -
The depressed,
The addicted,
Those with dementia;
Break their bonds,
Gracious Lord,
And set them free.

Image found by Google Images http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/1830-2070

My Jesus, my Jesus...

Have just been to see a local production of "Jesus Christ, Superstar" - need to express my feelings.


'My Jesus!
My Jesus!'
That's all I could think
as I watched them act out His story.
Took me by surprise, that "my" - really personal.
Hadn't realised how much I love Him!

I tend to pray more to the Father
than to a personal Jesus.
Yet this deep, deep feeling
erupted from within me,
burst out from my heart - 
"My Jesus! My Jesus!
They're hurting my Jesus!"

As the tears rolled down my face,
it changed to
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"
Like an echo of Jesus'
"My God, my God, 
why have you forsaken me?"

When Peter touched 
the chained Jesus' hand,
begging His forgiveness for betraying Him,
how I wanted to touch Him too,
to tell Him how much I love Him.
My Jesus.
My Love.

I could turn this into a sermon
about touching Jesus' hand
in every act of love,
every person we reach out to;
but, right now,
all I want to do
is to kneel at His feet
and tell Him I love Him.

My Jesus, my Jesus,
my Love  x x x

Image via Google images, http://tammynischan.blogspot.co.uk/2010_10_01_archive.html

Mary Magdalene reflects

Happy Easter everyone!!

There have been some really moving services in my church this Holy Week and Easter Day. I have been truly humbled by God's presence there, and in the people present (who, after all, are the real church, not the building!). 

On the evening of Easter day, our curate, Zoe, read some pieces from "Reflective Services for Lent, Holy Week and Easter" by Nick Fawcett, and I was blown away! 

Anyone who knows me knows how much I enjoy reading stories aloud - a legacy of over 25 years of teaching in Primary schools - and so I have tried to record one of the reflections for you. In this piece, Nick puts himself in the place of Mary Magdalene, about to tell the disciples the good news that Jesus is alive - if they'll believe her! (N.B. I had to turn the sound up fairly loud when I replayed it. I'll have to get advice from my technical brother on how to improve the sound quality!)

Image found by Google images search from https://www.lds.org/liahona/2003/06/jesus-is-risen?lang=eng

Drama Queen 2

This is what I originally wrote in my journal about the Dramatic Gestures, which I unpacked for the last blog post. Says the same kind of thing, but slightly differently.

To give up the Dramatic Gestures -
not because it's WRONG or SINFUL
(The spirit of Blame and Self-hate),
but because it's Not Necessary
(The spirit of Realistic Love):
I don't need to do these things
to gain God's love,
because God loves me already.
I cannot buy God's love with 'holy gestures' - 
nothing I do,
or give up,
can make God love me 
any more than He already does.
And nothing I do or say,
or don't do or say,
can make Him love me
any less than He already does.

God loves me.
Full stop.
Not dramatic exclamation mark,
or capital letters,
just quiet full stop;
nothing more needs to be said.

Pic by Google Images search  http://pastorcarolmora.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/jesus_love.jpg

Drama Queen!

I have to confess to having a weakness for the Dramatic sometimes.
I think it stems from all the stories of heroes/heroines I have read and loved since I was a child - you know, fairy tales, fantasy stories, King Arthur and his knights and all that. Of course, when you read these you naturally cast yourself as the Noble Knight On A Quest or the Wise Lady Dispensing Wisdom or the Beautiful Princess Admired By All. When I became a Christian I read stories of saints and martyrs and, naturally, saw myself in those roles too - the Tragic Martyr Who Bravely Held On To Her Beliefs No Matter What. There I stand, on top of the high place, wind blowing my long hair and long skirts, looking nobly, determinedly, (but humbly) into the face of danger, the sun making a halo behind my head, swoon, swoon!

Well, this is all very well when you're little, or when you're reading the book, but what about Real Life? Ah, now that's where the problems begin!

I look back on my life and realise how often I have made the same Dramatic Statements.  
My family will be familiar with the usual ones:

I'M NEVER CUTTING MY HAIR AGAIN!!  
(Biblical Nazarite, Amish, or historical reasons. But, after a year or two, I get fed up with long hairs all over the floor and in the bath, and the amount of time it takes to wash and dry.)

I'M NEVER EATING CHOCOLATE/SUGAR AGAIN! 
Which is sometimes expressed as..
I WILL EAT HEALTHILY FROM NOW ON!  or  
I WILL RESPECT MY BODY!  
(Yes, a very hoary chestnut, that one, never maintained beyond a week or two!)

When I gave up teaching, I realised I had the freedom to try out my pipe dreams...

I WILL GROW ALL MY OWN FOOD, AND BOTTLE/PRESERVE IT MYSELF!  
(But I only like gardening in certain weathers - not when it's too hot, too cold or too wet.)

I WILL LIVE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY!
(Except in Winter when I get cold and the lack of light triggers my S.A.D. - and when I want to use my laptop, or the microwave...)

I WILL BE A NATURE RESERVE WARDEN!
(See note above about weather.)

I WILL GIVE ALL MY TIME IN SERVICE TO OTHERS!
(Until I'm exhausted and then feel resentful.)

I WILL PRAY 4 TIMES A DAY, LIKE NUNS DO!
(But they live in community, to support each other; and they don't need to cook all their own meals or go shopping.)

I WILL GET UP AT DAWN EACH DAY!
(But this goes completely against my body clock.)

All very laudable statements, but none of them are realistic. Of course, when the Grand Promises get broken, and the Dramatic Gestures can no longer be sustained, I end up swooping down from the mountain tops down, down to the very depths of guilt and self-hate, wallowing in my supposed awfulness...

I'M A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON!

HOW CAN GOD EVER LOVE ME?

I AM THE WORST OF SINNERS! 

Guess what? These are Dramatic Gestures too - and they're just as unrealistic as the other ones!

So why do I do it? 
Mostly it comes from a desire to be a good person, to please God. I am trying to earn God's love, to win respect from other people and, yes, sometimes I suspect I'm showing off a bit too! (Sorry!)

But, when you look at it, this all stems from insecurity, from a lack of belief in God's love for us. It's so hard to really believe and accept that God actually loves us just as we are. We don't have to earn it. We don't have to buy it. God really, really, REALLY loves us!

So, from now on, I'M GIVING UP DRAMATIC GESTURES! 
Oh, wait, that's another D.G. isn't it?! Hmm... let's change it... I pray that God will help me to live more realistically, to trust Him more, and believe in His love.

*cue sweeping strings and triumphant brass...*

Catching up

Gosh, such a long time since I've written on here! I've been meaning to write all the hundred and one things I've thought of since last August but, somehow, other things take priority and time just slips away. And now, where do I start? Which of those 101 things do I begin with? Hmmm....I’ll start by giving you some very belated news.

Last July, I became a Companion of Julian of Norwich. This is a worldwide group of people, lay or clergy, who wish to follow Julian’s teachings in their lives. Companions try, as best they are able, to:

·        reflect the unconditional love of God in their response to others and to themselves

·        exercise compassionate empathy in their daily lives

·        meditate and intercede for the world for at least 30 minutes a day

·        seek spiritual nourishment from regular study of Julian’s “Revelations of Divine Love”

·        make at least one visit to the Julian Shrine in Norwich during their lifetime, if possible

We make these promises annually and, as I only live about 45 minutes away from the Shrine, I made my promises there. It was a beautiful, moving occasion with nine of us, including my Mum and Daughter, in the tiny little room. Canon Beryl, my Rector and one of my sponsors, led the short service and Daphne, the other sponsor, read the Bible reading I had chosen (1 John 4:7-12). We sang, unaccompanied, Be Thou My Vision, and Liz Thomas, a Companion, presented me with a certificate, badge and medallion. There were other Friends of Julian present too, including Sister Pamela from All Hallows Community, who provide hospitality for visitors to the Shrine. (And, indeed, tea and cakes afterwards!)

Here are some piccies:

 Me, with Canon Beryl and Daphne.

My beautiful daughter is on the left, 

and my wonderful Mum is next to me, on the right of the picture.

Incidentally, I made the purple dress I am wearing, rushing to finish it on time. Since the fabric frays easily, I later had to reinforce the seams to make up for the short cuts I had taken!

I think that will do for this post - hopefully will post another of the 100 things left soon!

Blessings to all who read this!  x x

God's butterfly touch

Came across this beautiful poem today in this daily prayer book.....

The man whispered, ‘God speak to me’

and a meadowlark sang.

But the man did not hear.

So the man yelled, ‘God, speak to me’

and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,

‘God, show me a miracle!’

and new life was born.

But the man did not know.

So the man cried out in despair,

‘Touch me, God,

and let me know you are here!’

whereupon God reached down

and touched the man.

But the man brushed the butterfly away,

and walked on.

http://www.fotothing.com/photos/f0a/f0acfb56652eb8ca4f7cfc3a7516033f.jpg

Talitha Koum! Get up, little girl!

Today's reading was the story of Jairus' daughter, in Mark 5:35-43. Jairus, the leader of the synagogue, an important man, is desperately worried about his daughter who is dying. He turns to Jesus for help. On the way there he is told it is too late, she has died. Jesus carries on regardless, turfs out all the weeping mourners, and chooses just 3 disciples and the child's parents to witness the miracle. 

What struck me today was all the little details included - the girl's age, the actual words Jesus uses, that He held her hand, and that he told the parents to give her something to eat. This is surely the memory of one who was present. I wonder who passed the story on - Peter? James? John? Or maybe the girl's parents? Can you picture them retelling it, from person to person, till it got written down?

I dwelt on the words Jesus used -Talitha Koum! - which means "Little girl, get up!" Can you hear the love in those words?

Get up, Little One!
God's got a job for you.
By your very living
you will proclaim God's healing power,
His loving care for his children.

Get up, Little One!
Show the world there is hope
when all seems lost.

Get up, Little One!
Show everyone that Death is not final,
that Love triumphs over all.

Get up, Little One!
And be my witness
to the world.

And, one day,
when you are old
and Death comes for you again,
I shall take your hand once more
and say "Get up, Little One!"
as your spirit joins mine for ever.

http://figurativeartlivingmasters.wordpress.com/2010/12/20/del-parson-1948-american/

Lectio Divina - Legion, the Gerasene

Lectio Divina - reading the Bible in a meditative way, imagining yourself there in that situation, looking for meaning.

The reading for this morning's daily prayers was the story of the man from Gerasa who is so filled with demons he calls himself 'Legion'. As I read it, tears filled my eyes. I understood some of his pain as I have had depression myself and witnessed my husband captive to his own fears. I needed to write what I felt, so I share it with you now....

That poor man;

A legion of conflicting voices

waging war in his head,

tearing him apart,

tossing his battered mind from one to another

like a precious object

thrown by malicious bullies,

while he stood by

helpless and weeping.

The pain he must have felt!

The agony of helplessness

that made him roar and rage,

beyond any man's help - 

how could they see

the war inside him?

How could they know how it felt,

when even cutting your body

to try to release the demons

seems your only help.

And then Jesus came-

Jesus!

Compassion shining in His eyes,

Hope radiating from His healing hands.

And at first the man was afraid.

How would it be to be free?

This terror was so awful,

but it was his terror,

familiar to him.

What - who -  would he be without it?

It had been so long now,

he couldn't remember 

what sanity was like.

And Jesus looked,

and He touched,

and He healed.

And suddenly the fear was gone.

Gone!

The weight was lifted!

The dark, rumbling clouds

replaced with blue sky and sunshine.

He could see again - 

truly see!

The distorted, haunted,

ghost-screaming world

replaced with beauty and love,

and hope!

Then he remembered who he was - 

a beloved Child of God,

wanted, 

protected, 

safe.

And as he wept at Jesus' feet, 

all the angels of heaven

wept and rejoiced with him.

He was Home at last.

Image from Google search 

http://iamthemindfire.deviantart.com/art/CONTENTMENT-176419114

Empty feeling prayers

Sometimes when I pray I feel alight and alive, filled with joy and energy. Other times I feel  nothing; the words of the prayer book are just sounds my mouth makes, echoing in an empty room, and in the free prayer time I can't think of anything to say.

When I leave prayer time rejoicing I praise God for it, but when I leave feeling flat and disgruntled I feel guilty and apologise to God for not doing better. This morning was just such a 'nothing/empty words' time and, when I began to apologise, I felt God saying this;

          Don't put yourself down just because you didn't feel good during prayers.
          Feeling is irrelevant. Your prayers are surely heard, no matter how good 
          or bad you feel during or after them. You have set aside time to pray, time 
          to be with God, and that's what matters.

          I don't act on prayers according to how much you felt them. I act on all
          prayers because they are addressed to Me. If you feel good afterwards,
          that is a bonus. My Spirit still flows through you, whether you feel it or not.


Wow! What a loving God we have! Praise His name!

Mother Julian  bellsofnorwich.net

Sanctuary, Sanctuary!!

My ears need sanctuary today from the noise of the Flooring People removing the tiles downstairs in my living and dining rooms! (Not that the men themselves are making the noise you understand, just the machine they're using.) However, the sanctuary in the title is my newly refurbished bedroom.

 In August 2011 things had got so bad with my husband's alcoholism that I couldn't bear sharing a room with him anymore, so I bought myself a bed from a charity shop and moved into the tiny spare room. The main bedroom was just awful - food, urine, blood and faecal stains on the carpet, the bed broken where he'd fallen on it so many times, and the smell!!!! Urrgghh! This tramp, this unwashed, unshaven stranger who used to be my loving husband.....  

Anyway, a few months after God took him home for healing, I decided to reclaim the room as a joyous, peaceful sanctuary. I ripped out the carpet and dismantled the bed. I took down the built-in wardrobe (which I'd never liked) and gave it all a thorough clean. I decided to paint the walls a healing green, a Springtime colour. It needed several coats as the original colour was deep pink on one wall, and lavender blue on the others. I had new doors fitted on all the upstairs rooms - most of them used to stick or wouldn't shut properly. I had the beautiful wooden floor sanded, stained and sealed, and I vowed to furnish it with used items as far as possible - and to leave a big space in the middle for dancing prayers!!

So, at long last, here it is.....

On the outside of the door is this beautiful plaque 

which my daughter brought back from her visit to Ireland....

...and on the back of the door are some Shaker style pegs.

The head of the bed is in the niche that used to be the built-in wardrobe. During the day the bed is covered to protect against muddy paw prints.

This is a close up of the pretty coverlet I bought from Sainsburys.

Here is the bed without the protection - as modelled by Bramble, who wanted to see what I was up to. I made the duvet cover and pillowslip myself, using a beautiful yellow gingham with daisies  fabric, an old white sheet, and some little yellow ribbon roses. It doesn't really show properly in the picture, unfortunately.

The curtains are made of the same fabric. When the sun shines through it's like daffodils in Springtime!

Above my bed hangs this lovely cross, bought on a visit to Walsingham. It has the Lord's Prayer on it, and is so bright and colourful.

The bedside cabinet came from the shop at our local recycling plant. On it you see two Bibles (KJV and GNB), alarm clock, reading glasses, pen and paper - for thoughts that occur in the night!

Here is a chest of drawers for clothes, with a mirror, hairbrush and rosary on top - and Luna's back end as she passes by!

This beautiful old chest of drawers is another charity shop find. On top is an old dressing table set I got from Ebay a few years ago.

Here is a close-up of the back of the clothes brush, so you can see the embroidered (silk?) back.

My lovely little wardrobe, and a stand, both charity shop finds. I have to tie the handles together to stop certain kitties from trying to find their way to Narnia then getting trapped cos I haven't noticed they're there.

This Ottoman belonged to hubby's parents. 

My lovely, lovely wash stand!! It's actually a tea trolley that belonged to hubby's Gran. On the top layer is an enamel bowl from Ebay, enamel jug from QD, soap dish from charity shop and home made deodorant. In the middle is a towel and flannel, and at the bottom is a metal bucket for used water, covered with an old towel, dyed, and used to stand on when I wash. (Also useful to stop a daft Bramble from trying to drink the soapy water!) I soooooo love taking my time with my morning ablutions in my own room, and it will be really useful on a hot Summer's day to just refresh myself here.

Look how pretty the soap dish is!

I've always wanted a bureau! This is another charity shop find. You must think the charity shops near me are bulging with such bargains, but sometimes I have waited months before finding what I wanted.

Inside. The ink stand was bought from Ebay several years ago - it's good to have a proper place for it now.

On top of the bureau is this Willow Tree figure. I love the simplicity of the Willow Tree 'sculptures', the way feelings are shown by the inclination of the head and position of the body. When I had come to terms with being on my own, I bought this figure because she represents me in my new phase of life - she is thoughtfully sitting, contemplating God and the simple life He has given her, serene and content.

And, finally, a picture I intend to hang when I can find where I have put the hammer and nails. The picture itself was found by Google image search, and the quote is from an online story by my lovely web friend, Ember. In case you can't read it, here is a close-up...

So there we are......hope you enjoyed the tour, and may all who read this post find their own places of serenity and sanctuary  x x 

Decisions, decisions

Hi everyone. (Hi Dr. Nick! Oops sorry, slipped into The Simpsons then for a minute...)

I haven't left the planet, I've just been busy sorting things out in the house. I have, at last, completed the main bedroom and moved in but I want to tell you more about that when I've taken some pictures, and I want to take the pics on a sunny day so you can see the room at its best.

I shall be very busy this week too, as I have to move everything out of my living and dining rooms so they can be re-floored. I've enjoyed ripping up the old, grotty carpet - very cathartic! As Facebook friends will know, I found an old local newspaper beneath the carpet, dated February 1976!!!!! Even more bizarre was the fact it was the very issue which had a birthday greeting for my cousin's 18th in it! Under the carpet are some old tiles ('Marley' tiles, according to the flooring chap.) which are a very uninspiring brown colour. They are also very cold on the feet! I've been using a folded blanket by my feet, or a footstool, when I relax in the evenings. Tiles also have less friction, as my cat discovered when he ran through at top speed (as is his wont) and went skidding across the floor! Hee hee!

Hopefully, in two weeks' time, I shall have a beautiful wooden floor. But the decisions that have to be made....!!! Did I want real wood or laminated? That was an easy one - real. Which shade? Which width? Which stain? Pre-treated? (And all this accompanied by a long history of how good France is at growing wood.) I'd just got my head round it all and got a date fixed, when he suddenly launched into skirting boards. Apparently they have to rip out the existing ones, which are then rarely good enough to be re-used. So do I want this one with all the ridges in? Or this one with none? Round edged? Straight edged? Wide? Narrow? What have you got already (No idea!), as it needs to match the rest of the house (Why? Doesn't bother me!). Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh! I don't know! Just bung a bit of wood round the edges for goodness sake - it's only there to stop the hoover/carpet sweeper bashing the walls!!!!

Deep breath now, Hawthorne. Calm. Trees gently waving in the summer breeze....

It had better all be worth it, that's all I can say!